Keeping the faith

It's always night. I always figure things out, and have epiphanies at night. I don't know why that happens, and I also don't know why I always let these discoveries slip my mind during the daylight hours. And, I don't mean slip my mind in the sense that I forget, I mean it in the sense that I don't believe them as much.

I am person who has faith. I don't have as much as I would like, but I have faith. I have faith in people - that they are kind and caring. I have faith in God - that there is a plan and he knows what he's doing. I usually have faith in myself - that I'm a good person, and on the right path. However, I sometimes lost faith in certain parts of my life - like the part where I want to find a life partner.

I find myself wondering, sometimes, why I'm still alone. I mean, ok. During high school I was too busy. My mother was sick, and I worked hard. I knew I needed to be academic, because I needed scholarships and grants for school. There was no time to deal with relationships. During college I was still really focused on school - on making it through. I also went to UVM (lots of boys who like boys) and then UMF (not many boys at all). My general situation has never really been conducive to finding a relationship. I've always known that, and owned that.

Lately, though, I've begun to wonder. I'm 26. I'm definitely not old, but I'm certainly not getting younger. I want things. I want kids, and a husband, and a house. I don't have time to date - as in lots of dates with different people. Casual dating isn't something I feel like I can, or want, to do. I want - and I think, I need - serious. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting to marry someone right off the bat. However, it would be nice to meet someone.

I think I've always known that I would never be the kind of woman who has had several relationships. That's not me, because I give everything 100%. It would be difficult for me to cope with the failure of relationships (even though I know it happens). So, since I was a teenager, I've concluded that I'm going to be an exception to the trend. I feel, and I mean this, that when I meet the one, I'll know. And, I think that by the time I'm ready to invest in a man, he'll be the one.

I'm a one man kind of woman.

I get that I sound like a hopeless romantic (I am in many ways), and like I'm shooting for something unattainable. But the thing is - I FEEL it. Like somewhere in me I know that he's out there. I know that when it's right, I'll know. I just will. I tell myself to be patient, that when it's right, it will happen. The thing is, I'm starting to get tired of waiting.

There has been a lot of hurt in my life. I'm not alone there, I know. But I'm ready for something good. I'm ready to KNOW. And all of this brings me back to faith.

It's a struggle sometimes for me to keep the faith about this. I look around and see people coupled off, and they're so happy. I see people who struggle in their relationships, and I actually feel jealous. I want someone to struggle with. I want someone to have faith in, and who has faith in me.

I don't want to commit something that doesn't have the potential to be long term, because it's not worth it. I have faith that I'll find that someday, but I worry that it's far away.