It’s hard to say who failed the friendship; I think in a lot of ways, we both did. We went from best friends to nothing in a little over a year. From planning graduation as class officers to avoiding one another at the theater. I want to say that She failed me, and I think a lot of people would agree. But, somehow, I’m just not sure it’s fair to place all of the blame there.
She went back to school for an extra semester; I looked for teaching jobs. She starred in plays; I drove the two hours to see everyone. She stopped returning calls; I kept making them. She didn’t come to my show; I was disappointed. And then, our friendship came unraveled.
“I never demanded that you attend one of my shows, so I’m offended that you would do that to me,” she wrote.
“I didn’t demand. I just said I would be disappointed if you missed it. I’m sorry,” I replied.
And then there was silence. No emails, no phone calls. Nothing. Until August 31.
A thick envelope came in the mail from Her. Six pages thick, and full of single-spaced typing. Six pages full of words that said, “I love you, and I think you need to know.” Know what?
You’re a follower.
You love theater because I do.
You’re too negative.
I don’t care about looks, but your lifestyle is unhealthy. Maybe if you ate better and exercised more, you’d be happier.
You complain too much.
But, I love you.
I hope you do not choose to sever all ties.
My heart shattered and splintered and burst out of my chest. She loved me? She loved me so much, She wrote down every little flaw? For six, single-spaced pages. But, She didn’t want to cut all ties? Well, I did.
I wanted to hurt her back. I wanted to make her feel the empty, broken, betrayed way I felt. And, I would have been easy. For every flaw in my, I could have named two in her. But, I didn’t. No. Instead, I tucked the letter in a drawer. Every single day for three months I thought about that letter. About Her. It never got easier and the six pages haunted and daunted me. Until I tore them up and threw them away. Just like She had done to me. Then, I wrote my own, much shorter, letter.
If you love someone, you love all of them. Not just the parts you like.
Don’t sever ties? What did you think about happen by writing this?
The only thing I want from you is an apology, and until you see what you did was wrong, I’m not going to get that.
It’s been a little over 4 years since She sent the letter. I’ve seen her. Tried to be nice and say hello. She moves her seat in the auditorium to avoid sitting behind me. Or, She prances in front of me and runs out the door. What She’s never done is apologize.
I try to see things from Her point of view. After all, how can a friendship so important, just cease to exist? But, no matter how hard I try, I don’t get it. I’m not perfect, but no matter how I spin it, She failed me.
She did fail you. She failed a lot of people actually. But ultimately, she fails herself, because she has lost out on a lot in life - I don't think being liked is necessarily important in life, but being respected is. I don't think I know anyone who truly respects her or her family.
ReplyDeleteKnowing all too well what this was like for you, I find it interesting that you chose to capitalize Her and She. Why give her god-like status when all her life, that is what she has been told she is? She doesn't even deserve anything to be written about her, let alone be accented with a capital letter. Not a critisism, just a curiosity.
You know, I never thought of the capitalization like that before. When I wrote this, I was thinking that She/Her could be anyone to any person. It was about anonymity - and making sure that people understood it was one person - but it was also me recognizing that I'm not the only person whose been through this. But, it's interesting that you pointed it out that way.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love that you've commented. It makes me know someone is reading :)