Pass and Fail

I have failed, for the last few weeks, at keeping this thing updated. It's not because I've given up, it's because the year has been so hectic.

There are good weeks, and then there are weeks when I wonder what I was thinking becoming a teacher. I frequently miss former students, sometimes whole classes.

I have especially begun missing my first group of kids ever. They are juniors now, and thanks to facebook I'm still able to keep tabs on them. Most of the time that's wonderful, but other times it makes me incredibly sad. I miss them, and I find myself wondering what kind of, if any, impression I left on them. Did I really teach them anything? Did they leave my classroom knowing more, or as better people?

I want the answer to that to be yes, but how can I ever really know the answer? It's something I struggle with when thinking of past and present students. I teach them, I hope; I give them assessments and grade those; but, really, what is the measure of my success as a teacher? What test or essay or project can indicate whether or not I am effective?

One of the things that make my job rewarding is when, like today, a former student walks into my room saying, "I need help with this essay." I feel special, and important, when they come back to me for support. Is that wrong? Is it strange that I want my students to need me for more than just what happens in my room?

I love it when K. comes to me to vent about her English teacher, and I have to hug her because she's crying. It makes my day when a student I've never even had for class walks into my room and says, "Can I just vent for a minute?" I feel important and needed when D. comes in at 3:30 needing help with her Separate Peace paper. I don't want these kids to feel sad or angry or any other negative emotion, but when they do, and they come to me - there's nothing quite like it.

So ... I guess what this whole post means is that I've been so busy trying to make sure I'm doing a good job at my job that I've failed to post anything here.

When kids are cruel

I discovered today that sometimes kids are just plain cruel. I have always known that kids, especially teenagers, have the capacity to be mean. They can destroy each other with a glance or a few words. I did not, however, know that they would be willing to do these things in the middle of English class.

We are preparing to start Laurie Halse Anderson's Speak. As part of our front-loading, we are working out what stereotypes are, how they influence us, and how they can be absolutely heart-breaking. So, today, we showed students the clip in Mean Girls where Damion and Janice provide Cady with a map to the cafeteria. It's a humorous clip, and also very insightful in terms of labels, stereotypes, and cliques in high schools.

After watching it, we discussed - briefly - what cliques are. The definition we decided upon are groups that are exclusive. One student began to share a story about how she and her friends pulled a mean girls thing in 6th grade - only inviting certain people to sit with them. Before she could finish another student piped in that their group had been awful to other students. Then the term punk started getting thrown around in a hostile way. I redirected.

We worked on an anticipation guide. I thought it would be safe, but I was wrong. Epic fail. The anticipation guide brought out the claws in these kids, and I did NOT like what I saw. I saw students saying teachers can't be trusted because they gossip too much. I heard them saying that if a girl dresses provocatively, she deserves whatever negative attention she gets. I also saw them start insulting each other - and me - in a very obvious way.

Clearly, I stopped the activity and very sternly spoke to the students. Even after telling them being mean is the quickest way to be removed from my class, they snickered at and bickered with one another. I have never been more appalled at my own students.

I'm actually nervous about this unit now. How am I supposed to teach them about tolerance and kindness? I'm worrying that they're going to start a riot ... Obviously they need the lessons we've prepared, but how many of them are actually going to "get it"?

I can't leave this post there. I don't want it to sound as though all of my freshman reacted so poorly; they didn't. In fact, two of the three classes who did this activity today were amazing. They might not always practice what they preach, but at least they were preaching it.

So, while I am super worried about one class and whether or not they are going to appreciate the unit we are starting, I have hope that teenagers aren't all cruel. Some of them are very kind, very wise, and very good.