It's been almost a whole month since I posted anything, and it doesn't feel like it could possibly have been that long. Things get so hectic at the end of the school year, that a month goes by and it feels like a few days. There are so many things to do and think about that time goes by without my noticing. But, yesterday, when school ended, I noticed. Oh boy, did I notice.
If you read the last post I wrote, you'll see how reflexive and reflective I get in the spring. Yesterday was absolutely no exception to that rule. As per usual, I found myself crying when I pulled away from OTHS. I couldn't really pinpoint what made me emotional about school ending, and I'm still working on being able to verbalize that, but I think it comes down to this:
I have a hard time saying goodbye and an even harder time letting go and moving on.
I put all of myself into everything I do. I don't know how to do things half way (which I've discussed, at length, in other posts). Since I invest so much in people and situations, I often find myself feeling like things are anti-climactic (another word - though one I'm less fond of - is dissatisfied). I look at what I've invested, and what I get in return, and sometimes I kick myself in the butt. Why do I put so much into things that don't repay me? And then I remember, that's just who I am. I don't walk around doing things because of what I'll get from them in return; I do things because in the moment it feels good. Having a student throw her arms around me and squeeze might not be equal compensation for 180 days of my time, but it sure as hell reminds me why I put those days in.
When I left school yesterday - yep, crying (I'm sorry, Coty, I was), I felt frustrated with myself. I wanted to be able to verbalize and rationalize exactly why I felt so sad. I couldn't. That feeling lingered this morning as I drove back to OTHS to work on curriculum with Megan. The difference this morning was an epiphany I had in the car ...
I'm going to be OK. It will get better.
With my foot on the gas pedal, and Next to Normal blaring through my car speakers, I realized something that I've never given much thought to. I felt pretty bad last night and this morning. Songs, BROADWAY songs, were bringing me to tears. And all of a sudden, without thinking about it, I said to myself, "It will be better in a day or two." Those 9 words made me actually pop my eyes open and shake my head. Oh. My. God. Hope.
The last thing to come out of Pandora's box popped into my head and I didn't even have to try. All of a sudden I gave myself permission to feel bad for a while because I would get over it. I've gotten over a lot of really terrible things in my life. This hurt, though unnamed, will play its course and leave just like all of the ones before have.
Was I magically cured of the feelings? Absolutely not, but what I figured out is that that's OK. In a day or two, or more maybe, it will get better.
I'm not going to pretend that I'll never feel hopeless again, because I'm sure I will. There are certain types of pain that take away the epiphany I had this morning because you can't quantify them. However, that old cliche, "this, too, shall pass" became absolutely clear to me in the car this morning.
It brought me hope.
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