Well, the first week of school is over, and it was easily the toughest first week I've had in four years of teaching. I can't say it was all bad, because it wasn't. I may have suffered, but I also learned a really important lesson. Anyway . . . well, here's a run-down of the week.
Monday - Teacher day. I won an award for being AWESOME STAFF, got to catch up with colleagues, and I finished setting up my classroom. It was hot.
Tuesday - Freshman orientation. Even though we had the day planned out really well, things went wrong, but nothing huge. I met my homeroom and they were great. I spent the day with them, and with a former student who is a mentor for the freshman. It went well overall, but I was super stressed out the ENTIRE day. I barely remember what we did all day because I was out straight the whole time. That's what I get for being "too competent". Also, it was very hot.
Wednesday - First day for all students. Worst day of my teaching career. I thought I was going to be sick as I drove to school. I blamed it on the heat and being nervous. I walked into the teacher's room, and started crying. I spent the rest of the day going between tears and nausea. Sometime during the late afternoon my arms started tingling. I had class at the university at 5. I only stayed until 6, and then went to walk-in-care for the crying, tingly arms, and nausea. Diagnosis: panic attack caused by the list of things I need to do that seemed to keep growing and growing. Also, it was very, very hot.
Thursday - I hadn't slept for an entire night in about two weeks and I had barely functioned the day before. And so, I took the day off. I needed to be home and take care of myself, so I did. Best decision of my career. Oh, yeah, and it was very, very, very hot.
Friday - Feeling so much better, I went back to school and had a great day. Had fun with my classes, learned some names, and enjoyed the fresh breeze.
And so, you must be wondering by now what lesson I learned. It's simple really, and a must for all teachers (but especially new ones): say no. When you start to feel like you're taking on too much, you are. It's ok to say no. Taking on too much isn't healthy (trust me, I know), but it also means that your work suffers for it. And sometimes your mind and body too.
I've got a long weekend now which I plan to spend with books, tv, my bed, and family.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
First Day Jitters
Remember that last post? The one about how excited I get about school? I think I might feel that way until the night before kids come, because right now I'm super nervous. Fluttery stomach, jiggly legs nervous. And it's not getting better.
I can't say for certain that it's the start of school alone bringing this on. That definitely plays into the nerves, but I also think I'm just very hesitant about everything on my plate right now. I took stock the other day after a colleague made the following comment:
"You've made a mistake. You showed us that you're too competent, and now we lean on you."
On the one hand: YAY me! That's a great compliment. On the other hand: uh oh. One more thing on my list. Speaking of said list, let's take a look at everything I'm responsible for this semester:
1. 5 academic classes (three preps and three brand new curriculums)
2. 10 practicum students from the university (working with me on the writing center)
3. Freshman teaming (brand new endeavor)
4.Grad school (Young Adult Lit and an independent study)
5. Presenting at a conference in October
6. Taking care of my Nana
7. The writing center at my school
8. One field experience student from the university
9. Adviser to the class of 2012 at school
10. All of the other things grown ups take care of
Phew. No wonder I'm nervous. And I think writing that list made it worse. As much as I love being active and involved, and despite the fact that I will inevitably get all of this done, I'm overwhelmed right now. It's like this every year, and yet I always forget the struggle. Usually the end result overshadows this time of stress and adjustment.
So, now, about to head to an early bedtime, I want to say:
Happy first days to all! (Remember to enjoy and to remind yourself that the first days are the toughest - that's what I'll be doing)
I can't say for certain that it's the start of school alone bringing this on. That definitely plays into the nerves, but I also think I'm just very hesitant about everything on my plate right now. I took stock the other day after a colleague made the following comment:
"You've made a mistake. You showed us that you're too competent, and now we lean on you."
On the one hand: YAY me! That's a great compliment. On the other hand: uh oh. One more thing on my list. Speaking of said list, let's take a look at everything I'm responsible for this semester:
1. 5 academic classes (three preps and three brand new curriculums)
2. 10 practicum students from the university (working with me on the writing center)
3. Freshman teaming (brand new endeavor)
4.Grad school (Young Adult Lit and an independent study)
5. Presenting at a conference in October
6. Taking care of my Nana
7. The writing center at my school
8. One field experience student from the university
9. Adviser to the class of 2012 at school
10. All of the other things grown ups take care of
Phew. No wonder I'm nervous. And I think writing that list made it worse. As much as I love being active and involved, and despite the fact that I will inevitably get all of this done, I'm overwhelmed right now. It's like this every year, and yet I always forget the struggle. Usually the end result overshadows this time of stress and adjustment.
So, now, about to head to an early bedtime, I want to say:
Happy first days to all! (Remember to enjoy and to remind yourself that the first days are the toughest - that's what I'll be doing)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
One of my favorite times of the year is fall. Somewhere around the first or second week of August, I begin to smell the signs of the changing season, and of school quickly approaching. I haven't changed one bit since I was kid, either.
Every year, for as far back as I can remember, the week leading up to the start of school is full of last minute appointments, school supply purchases, and sleepless nights. Ok, not actually sleepless, but less sleep than usual (and not because I'm getting up early). And it's already started for this year!
I went to bed with good intentions last night, and I was even pretty tired from some last minute school prep. But, per usual, as soon as the light went out and I was letting go of the day, my mind began to race.
What are my classes going to be like? What about the kids? Did I get that bulletin done? How many copies do I need to make? I wonder if I will get to see so-and-so at lunch again. Oh, oh, oh - still need to buy ____________, for that one class.
I can't tell you how frustrating, and utterly exciting this whole process is! One of the reasons that I know I love my job is because of this very excitement. When I stop looking forward to a new year, I'm getting out, STAT. The anticipation is what keeps me going; it's what keeps my teaching fresh and new.
There is nothing like the cooler temperatures, the changing color of the trees, a new outfit or two, and walking into a freshly-waxed classroom. It's my favorite time of year! It's the time of year I remind myself of during the March mud-season or when the kids have checked-out June 1st. It's the most wonderful time of the year!
Every year, for as far back as I can remember, the week leading up to the start of school is full of last minute appointments, school supply purchases, and sleepless nights. Ok, not actually sleepless, but less sleep than usual (and not because I'm getting up early). And it's already started for this year!
I went to bed with good intentions last night, and I was even pretty tired from some last minute school prep. But, per usual, as soon as the light went out and I was letting go of the day, my mind began to race.
What are my classes going to be like? What about the kids? Did I get that bulletin done? How many copies do I need to make? I wonder if I will get to see so-and-so at lunch again. Oh, oh, oh - still need to buy ____________, for that one class.
I can't tell you how frustrating, and utterly exciting this whole process is! One of the reasons that I know I love my job is because of this very excitement. When I stop looking forward to a new year, I'm getting out, STAT. The anticipation is what keeps me going; it's what keeps my teaching fresh and new.
There is nothing like the cooler temperatures, the changing color of the trees, a new outfit or two, and walking into a freshly-waxed classroom. It's my favorite time of year! It's the time of year I remind myself of during the March mud-season or when the kids have checked-out June 1st. It's the most wonderful time of the year!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Greetings, world!
I've been thinking about starting a blog on my teaching for a while now, and I've clearly decided to take the plunge. I have some ideas about what this thing will look like, but you know what they say about the best laid plans. So, I'm just going to blog.
My desire to blog about teaching started with the North East Writing Institute. I worked on a piece of writing there, for an entire week, that wound up representing me as a teacher (I'll post it soon). That, in turn, got me to thinking about publication and sharing my ideas with the world.
I start my fourth year of teaching in less than a week, and I have a lot to say. I have a lot to offer my students and my colleagues. But, because of my youth, I'm not always heard, or I'm not taken seriously. My theory is that with a blog, people can listen or not. And the huge plus here is that I don't need to watch them roll their eyes when I say what I think.
My goals at this point are simple:
1. Write at least one post a week
2. Write with honesty and sincerity
3. Do the first two of these goals, faithfully
So, here it goes. A Teacher in Progress**. I hope, if you've read this far, that you'll follow my journeys as a teacher. Follow me with the little link on the right, or just bookmark my blog. Let me know that you're out there! Leave a comment, if you want (telling me to shut up, keep talking, or what to talk about).
Fingers crossed!
**Special thanks to CW for helping me with the title!! <3
My desire to blog about teaching started with the North East Writing Institute. I worked on a piece of writing there, for an entire week, that wound up representing me as a teacher (I'll post it soon). That, in turn, got me to thinking about publication and sharing my ideas with the world.
I start my fourth year of teaching in less than a week, and I have a lot to say. I have a lot to offer my students and my colleagues. But, because of my youth, I'm not always heard, or I'm not taken seriously. My theory is that with a blog, people can listen or not. And the huge plus here is that I don't need to watch them roll their eyes when I say what I think.
My goals at this point are simple:
1. Write at least one post a week
2. Write with honesty and sincerity
3. Do the first two of these goals, faithfully
So, here it goes. A Teacher in Progress**. I hope, if you've read this far, that you'll follow my journeys as a teacher. Follow me with the little link on the right, or just bookmark my blog. Let me know that you're out there! Leave a comment, if you want (telling me to shut up, keep talking, or what to talk about).
Fingers crossed!
**Special thanks to CW for helping me with the title!! <3
Thursday, July 22, 2010
On Writing and NeWI
I spent all of last week in my first "official" graduate school class. The credits that I earned last summer count, but I wasn't admitted to a master's program yet, so that's where the "official" comes in. Back to this class thing ... it was NeWI (Northeast Writing Institute), and while the week was a struggle at many times, I was really happy in the end.
I spent the whole week with 12 other teachers, and writers exploring my own writing in the hopes of becoming a better teacher of writing. Having completed the Maine Writing Project Summer Institute last year, I have a background in the power of finding a group to share work with. We spent three weeks in the SI building trust, and sharing so when I showed my work to my writing group there, I was showing my work to a family. NeWI was different. Monday and Tuesday were a huge struggle for me.
Monday morning was great - meeting everyone, and reconnecting with my favorite teacher, Emilie. As a group, we talked about what makes writing hard and what makes it easy (an activity I did last summer). I was very much intrigued with that discussion, and plan to write another post about how we make writing hard for our students. Later on Monday, I was set loose to write. About anything I wanted, in whatever genre I chose. That was way too much freedom for me. Way. Too. Much. I literally spent the better part of the day creating random, lousy starts to pieces that would go nowhere. When I left on Monday, I went to school and picked up some books on writing with the hope that they would inspire me. Not so much. Terrible day, with nothing but a headache to show for it.
I went back on Tuesday feeling a little better, because I had decided to develop this post into something. It haunted me while I searched for something, so I figured I needed to work it. Tuesday morning was totally productive, and I just got it all out. I sent the draft to Mel and she gave me some great suggestions, which took me into Wednesday, where I hit the next hurdle.
Wednesday we were encouraged to pair or group up and begin workshopping. I didn't think I'd have trouble finding someone, but I did. We all shared what we were working on, and since mine lacked direction at that point, I was sort of left out when people began pairing up. I can take responsibility for that in some ways since I didn't really put myself out there all the way. But, I was left alone, and was so not productive. I did eat lunch with this year's MWPSI fellows, though, and felt energized by them.
Thursday I got guts. I sat down with Dave in the morning, and got some great feedback and advice about direction for my essay. I worked that, and then I sat down with Emilie. I knew her advice would be great, and helpful. I often think back to where I really learned to write, with my own voice and style, and it was her class. So, to be able to work with her again, in a different way was gratifying on so many levels.
She picked out problems I knew I had, but also had some great advice about how to address those problems. She helped me to give my essay some real shape and purpose in a way I don't think I would have done without "permission".
I was really, really happy with the essay I wrote, in large part thanks to the advice from Emilie. She told me to let myself be a little self-gratifying; to go ahead and say that I'm a good teacher. And that became the best part of my essay because it's what I was trying to say, but wasn't sure I should. The gist of my piece is this: I find saying goodbye to my student every year hard; I get so attached that in the end, it hurts. Letting myself become attached to students is what makes me a good teacher. And the best part of my job is that I get to fall in love with it every single year.
I was very humbled during my conversation with Emilie. It began as an essay about hope, and turned into an essay about how the best teachers let themselves care. The highlight of my week came at the end of our conference; the best teacher I have ever had looked at me and said, "It make me so happy that you're the kind of teacher you are."
It wound up being a really satisfying week for me. I love the essay I ended with, and really enjoyed what everyone else wrote as well. I'm excited to get the anthology they're going to make for us.
I spent the whole week with 12 other teachers, and writers exploring my own writing in the hopes of becoming a better teacher of writing. Having completed the Maine Writing Project Summer Institute last year, I have a background in the power of finding a group to share work with. We spent three weeks in the SI building trust, and sharing so when I showed my work to my writing group there, I was showing my work to a family. NeWI was different. Monday and Tuesday were a huge struggle for me.
Monday morning was great - meeting everyone, and reconnecting with my favorite teacher, Emilie. As a group, we talked about what makes writing hard and what makes it easy (an activity I did last summer). I was very much intrigued with that discussion, and plan to write another post about how we make writing hard for our students. Later on Monday, I was set loose to write. About anything I wanted, in whatever genre I chose. That was way too much freedom for me. Way. Too. Much. I literally spent the better part of the day creating random, lousy starts to pieces that would go nowhere. When I left on Monday, I went to school and picked up some books on writing with the hope that they would inspire me. Not so much. Terrible day, with nothing but a headache to show for it.
I went back on Tuesday feeling a little better, because I had decided to develop this post into something. It haunted me while I searched for something, so I figured I needed to work it. Tuesday morning was totally productive, and I just got it all out. I sent the draft to Mel and she gave me some great suggestions, which took me into Wednesday, where I hit the next hurdle.
Wednesday we were encouraged to pair or group up and begin workshopping. I didn't think I'd have trouble finding someone, but I did. We all shared what we were working on, and since mine lacked direction at that point, I was sort of left out when people began pairing up. I can take responsibility for that in some ways since I didn't really put myself out there all the way. But, I was left alone, and was so not productive. I did eat lunch with this year's MWPSI fellows, though, and felt energized by them.
Thursday I got guts. I sat down with Dave in the morning, and got some great feedback and advice about direction for my essay. I worked that, and then I sat down with Emilie. I knew her advice would be great, and helpful. I often think back to where I really learned to write, with my own voice and style, and it was her class. So, to be able to work with her again, in a different way was gratifying on so many levels.
She picked out problems I knew I had, but also had some great advice about how to address those problems. She helped me to give my essay some real shape and purpose in a way I don't think I would have done without "permission".
I was really, really happy with the essay I wrote, in large part thanks to the advice from Emilie. She told me to let myself be a little self-gratifying; to go ahead and say that I'm a good teacher. And that became the best part of my essay because it's what I was trying to say, but wasn't sure I should. The gist of my piece is this: I find saying goodbye to my student every year hard; I get so attached that in the end, it hurts. Letting myself become attached to students is what makes me a good teacher. And the best part of my job is that I get to fall in love with it every single year.
I was very humbled during my conversation with Emilie. It began as an essay about hope, and turned into an essay about how the best teachers let themselves care. The highlight of my week came at the end of our conference; the best teacher I have ever had looked at me and said, "It make me so happy that you're the kind of teacher you are."
It wound up being a really satisfying week for me. I love the essay I ended with, and really enjoyed what everyone else wrote as well. I'm excited to get the anthology they're going to make for us.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
A student again.
I've been dreading summer vacation. And, yes, I know how that sounds. What kind of teacher dreads summer vacation?? Me. And here's why.
I dread not have a schedule. I definitely don't want to have to deal with students everyday, because I get sick of them. However, I function much better with some kind of schedule to keep. If i have somewhere to be, for even just a few hours, I'm happy. It's that simple. When I'm left to my own devices, I feel a little lost. There are too many things for me to do, and I get overwhelmed. I'm working on fixing that. I need to learn to just relax.
Anyway, I'm back to school in a few weeks. As in college school. I'll be spending the week of July 12 with the North East Writing Institute. I'm sure I'll be exhausted by the time those 5 days are over, so I should rest up now. Two weeks after that ends (Aug 2) I'll be in my second week-long class: Fiction Writing Seminar. When that's over, I have like 2 weeks and school starts again. When I think of it like that, there's not much summer. But, on a day-to-day it's a lot of free time that I'm somehow filling quickly.
In September I start an actual, semester-long class at UMO. I'll be taking young adult lit, and I have my work cut out for me. I emailed the professor for a book list so that I can get ahead, but she doesn't have it done yet. However, I have to read 8-10 self-select YAL books, so I've begun that. I read them anyway, so it's definitely not a chore. But, I do have to complete responses for each book I read. I get to chose whatever genre I want for the responses, so I'm going to try out projects I assign in class. I did my first today on A Wrinkle in Time. I just finished (2 hours after I started), and I'm pretty happy. I like that I'm doing things my students do. It reminds me, and shows me, how difficult some of my tasks are. It also reminds and shows me that sometimes, my tasks aren't hard enough, or they are just right and the kids blow them off. It's neat to be a student again. Here's the brochure I designed. What grade do you think it deserves?
I dread not have a schedule. I definitely don't want to have to deal with students everyday, because I get sick of them. However, I function much better with some kind of schedule to keep. If i have somewhere to be, for even just a few hours, I'm happy. It's that simple. When I'm left to my own devices, I feel a little lost. There are too many things for me to do, and I get overwhelmed. I'm working on fixing that. I need to learn to just relax.
Anyway, I'm back to school in a few weeks. As in college school. I'll be spending the week of July 12 with the North East Writing Institute. I'm sure I'll be exhausted by the time those 5 days are over, so I should rest up now. Two weeks after that ends (Aug 2) I'll be in my second week-long class: Fiction Writing Seminar. When that's over, I have like 2 weeks and school starts again. When I think of it like that, there's not much summer. But, on a day-to-day it's a lot of free time that I'm somehow filling quickly.
In September I start an actual, semester-long class at UMO. I'll be taking young adult lit, and I have my work cut out for me. I emailed the professor for a book list so that I can get ahead, but she doesn't have it done yet. However, I have to read 8-10 self-select YAL books, so I've begun that. I read them anyway, so it's definitely not a chore. But, I do have to complete responses for each book I read. I get to chose whatever genre I want for the responses, so I'm going to try out projects I assign in class. I did my first today on A Wrinkle in Time. I just finished (2 hours after I started), and I'm pretty happy. I like that I'm doing things my students do. It reminds me, and shows me, how difficult some of my tasks are. It also reminds and shows me that sometimes, my tasks aren't hard enough, or they are just right and the kids blow them off. It's neat to be a student again. Here's the brochure I designed. What grade do you think it deserves?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Hope drove me to school
It's been almost a whole month since I posted anything, and it doesn't feel like it could possibly have been that long. Things get so hectic at the end of the school year, that a month goes by and it feels like a few days. There are so many things to do and think about that time goes by without my noticing. But, yesterday, when school ended, I noticed. Oh boy, did I notice.
If you read the last post I wrote, you'll see how reflexive and reflective I get in the spring. Yesterday was absolutely no exception to that rule. As per usual, I found myself crying when I pulled away from OTHS. I couldn't really pinpoint what made me emotional about school ending, and I'm still working on being able to verbalize that, but I think it comes down to this:
I have a hard time saying goodbye and an even harder time letting go and moving on.
I put all of myself into everything I do. I don't know how to do things half way (which I've discussed, at length, in other posts). Since I invest so much in people and situations, I often find myself feeling like things are anti-climactic (another word - though one I'm less fond of - is dissatisfied). I look at what I've invested, and what I get in return, and sometimes I kick myself in the butt. Why do I put so much into things that don't repay me? And then I remember, that's just who I am. I don't walk around doing things because of what I'll get from them in return; I do things because in the moment it feels good. Having a student throw her arms around me and squeeze might not be equal compensation for 180 days of my time, but it sure as hell reminds me why I put those days in.
When I left school yesterday - yep, crying (I'm sorry, Coty, I was), I felt frustrated with myself. I wanted to be able to verbalize and rationalize exactly why I felt so sad. I couldn't. That feeling lingered this morning as I drove back to OTHS to work on curriculum with Megan. The difference this morning was an epiphany I had in the car ...
I'm going to be OK. It will get better.
With my foot on the gas pedal, and Next to Normal blaring through my car speakers, I realized something that I've never given much thought to. I felt pretty bad last night and this morning. Songs, BROADWAY songs, were bringing me to tears. And all of a sudden, without thinking about it, I said to myself, "It will be better in a day or two." Those 9 words made me actually pop my eyes open and shake my head. Oh. My. God. Hope.
The last thing to come out of Pandora's box popped into my head and I didn't even have to try. All of a sudden I gave myself permission to feel bad for a while because I would get over it. I've gotten over a lot of really terrible things in my life. This hurt, though unnamed, will play its course and leave just like all of the ones before have.
Was I magically cured of the feelings? Absolutely not, but what I figured out is that that's OK. In a day or two, or more maybe, it will get better.
I'm not going to pretend that I'll never feel hopeless again, because I'm sure I will. There are certain types of pain that take away the epiphany I had this morning because you can't quantify them. However, that old cliche, "this, too, shall pass" became absolutely clear to me in the car this morning.
It brought me hope.
If you read the last post I wrote, you'll see how reflexive and reflective I get in the spring. Yesterday was absolutely no exception to that rule. As per usual, I found myself crying when I pulled away from OTHS. I couldn't really pinpoint what made me emotional about school ending, and I'm still working on being able to verbalize that, but I think it comes down to this:
I have a hard time saying goodbye and an even harder time letting go and moving on.
I put all of myself into everything I do. I don't know how to do things half way (which I've discussed, at length, in other posts). Since I invest so much in people and situations, I often find myself feeling like things are anti-climactic (another word - though one I'm less fond of - is dissatisfied). I look at what I've invested, and what I get in return, and sometimes I kick myself in the butt. Why do I put so much into things that don't repay me? And then I remember, that's just who I am. I don't walk around doing things because of what I'll get from them in return; I do things because in the moment it feels good. Having a student throw her arms around me and squeeze might not be equal compensation for 180 days of my time, but it sure as hell reminds me why I put those days in.
When I left school yesterday - yep, crying (I'm sorry, Coty, I was), I felt frustrated with myself. I wanted to be able to verbalize and rationalize exactly why I felt so sad. I couldn't. That feeling lingered this morning as I drove back to OTHS to work on curriculum with Megan. The difference this morning was an epiphany I had in the car ...
I'm going to be OK. It will get better.
With my foot on the gas pedal, and Next to Normal blaring through my car speakers, I realized something that I've never given much thought to. I felt pretty bad last night and this morning. Songs, BROADWAY songs, were bringing me to tears. And all of a sudden, without thinking about it, I said to myself, "It will be better in a day or two." Those 9 words made me actually pop my eyes open and shake my head. Oh. My. God. Hope.
The last thing to come out of Pandora's box popped into my head and I didn't even have to try. All of a sudden I gave myself permission to feel bad for a while because I would get over it. I've gotten over a lot of really terrible things in my life. This hurt, though unnamed, will play its course and leave just like all of the ones before have.
Was I magically cured of the feelings? Absolutely not, but what I figured out is that that's OK. In a day or two, or more maybe, it will get better.
I'm not going to pretend that I'll never feel hopeless again, because I'm sure I will. There are certain types of pain that take away the epiphany I had this morning because you can't quantify them. However, that old cliche, "this, too, shall pass" became absolutely clear to me in the car this morning.
It brought me hope.
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