I'm feeling write on track.

The writing center at school is quickly coming together. In the past two weeks the kids have created a name (The Write Track), mission statement(you ask, we assist; you talk, we listen; you revise, we advise; you write, we help), and logo (it's in a picture below). It's getting kind of intense. Tomorrow, Matt, Melanie, and I will be going to the Maine High School Writing Centers conference. For this conference, we had to put together a poster. I finished it tonight, and felt like I wanted to share some of this hard work. Here it goes:



I thought I was pretty clever when I came up with this:








On the opposite side of the backboard is this:
And, one of my favorite things, our new, student-created logo:

Keeping the faith

It's always night. I always figure things out, and have epiphanies at night. I don't know why that happens, and I also don't know why I always let these discoveries slip my mind during the daylight hours. And, I don't mean slip my mind in the sense that I forget, I mean it in the sense that I don't believe them as much.

I am person who has faith. I don't have as much as I would like, but I have faith. I have faith in people - that they are kind and caring. I have faith in God - that there is a plan and he knows what he's doing. I usually have faith in myself - that I'm a good person, and on the right path. However, I sometimes lost faith in certain parts of my life - like the part where I want to find a life partner.

I find myself wondering, sometimes, why I'm still alone. I mean, ok. During high school I was too busy. My mother was sick, and I worked hard. I knew I needed to be academic, because I needed scholarships and grants for school. There was no time to deal with relationships. During college I was still really focused on school - on making it through. I also went to UVM (lots of boys who like boys) and then UMF (not many boys at all). My general situation has never really been conducive to finding a relationship. I've always known that, and owned that.

Lately, though, I've begun to wonder. I'm 26. I'm definitely not old, but I'm certainly not getting younger. I want things. I want kids, and a husband, and a house. I don't have time to date - as in lots of dates with different people. Casual dating isn't something I feel like I can, or want, to do. I want - and I think, I need - serious. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting to marry someone right off the bat. However, it would be nice to meet someone.

I think I've always known that I would never be the kind of woman who has had several relationships. That's not me, because I give everything 100%. It would be difficult for me to cope with the failure of relationships (even though I know it happens). So, since I was a teenager, I've concluded that I'm going to be an exception to the trend. I feel, and I mean this, that when I meet the one, I'll know. And, I think that by the time I'm ready to invest in a man, he'll be the one.

I'm a one man kind of woman.

I get that I sound like a hopeless romantic (I am in many ways), and like I'm shooting for something unattainable. But the thing is - I FEEL it. Like somewhere in me I know that he's out there. I know that when it's right, I'll know. I just will. I tell myself to be patient, that when it's right, it will happen. The thing is, I'm starting to get tired of waiting.

There has been a lot of hurt in my life. I'm not alone there, I know. But I'm ready for something good. I'm ready to KNOW. And all of this brings me back to faith.

It's a struggle sometimes for me to keep the faith about this. I look around and see people coupled off, and they're so happy. I see people who struggle in their relationships, and I actually feel jealous. I want someone to struggle with. I want someone to have faith in, and who has faith in me.

I don't want to commit something that doesn't have the potential to be long term, because it's not worth it. I have faith that I'll find that someday, but I worry that it's far away.

All or nothing.

I don't do things half way. Work. Relationships. Life. Nothing in my life gets less than 100%. That's who I am, who I've always been, and who I'll always be. Most of the time, this particular quality serves me very well. Often, especially emotionally, this is cause for personal problems.

It's easy to do things all the way for work, or school, or whatever. It's not always easy to be the kid who goes all way with her emotions. It gives off the vibe that I'm a drama queen. Sometimes, I'll admit, I am. However, most of the time, I'm not trying to be dramatic. Most of the time, I'm just trying to get through.

If I'm angry, I get angry all the way. I want to break things or scream at the top of my lungs or both at the same time. I don't get kind of annoyed. I get pissed. When something makes me happy, I'm giddy. I jump up and down, clap my hands, grin, and celebrate. I get as excited over a nice card as most people would get if they found $100 on the ground. And, when I'm sad, I'm saaaaad. I cry. I mope. I get pessimistic. If I have a confrontation with a person at school (or a friend, or whomever), I cry. I get upset enough to sit in my room and let myself cry about it. I'm not ashamed of being an emotional person, but I do frustrate myself because of it.

I let things bug me longer than they should. Other people would be upset for an hour or two, and my day is ruined. And even though, once I'm over it, I'm usually over it, I carry these things with me and it's hard.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the world who gets so emotional. The only one who lets things affect me so easily, and to such a great extent. I'm proud of the fact that I don't accept less than my very best, but what is that going to cost me emotionally?

My first book.

Ok, today in school ...

I was yelled at and mocked by another student.
A student came to class long enough to get instructions on finding a fiction book, then turned around and walked away.
Two students got into a fist fight. There was blood.
A girl in my homeroom cried because she was referred to as "meaty". She is a size 6.

I think I should start writing a book. It will be dedicated (in part) to Coty for listening to me bitch about the kids at school. The title shall be:

The S#@* They Never Told You About Teaching

First day nightmare!

I can't remember - in the past two years - having a nightmare the day before school started. Last night, however, I did. Thankfully it wasn't of me showing up naked/in my underwear to school. It was actually kind of funny ...

I'm in class with 25ish kids (because the desks are all full). They won't settle down, and so I try staring at them. It doesn't work. I try huffing and puffing and sighing, but that doesn't work either. Then, I decide to yell. "QUIEEEEEEEET!" Nothing. They just keep on going. They aren't talking quietly, mind you, they are all shouting and laughing and having a grand old time. Then it happens ... I cup my hands over my mouth and in the biggest, loudest voice I can muster scream "SHUT UP!" It works. They look at me, and settle down. Too bad for them I'm already fuming! "That's it," I say. "I'm done. I will see ALL OF YOU IN DETENTION ON MONDAY!" (Apparantely my dream takes place on a Friday). So now, I have 25ish kids coming for detention. Except, there are three I ask to stay after class ... "You don't even have to come. You weren't doing anything, so you're totally free."

Later, in the dream and in the school day of that dream, I'm in my Vice Principal's office trying to explain to him why in the world I have that many kids for a detention. So, I explain the entire story to him ...

Then I woke up to my 5:50 alarm. It was time to shower and head in for the first day with a new crop of freshies.

What is this feeling?

I spent the better part of today feeling a little empty. I can pinpoint why, too, which makes me feel a little better.

With school starting there are several things that I find myself thinking about and thus feeling kind of sad and ... empty.

1. I am returning school, which is exciting in many ways. However, the return to school also reminds me of the amazing people I was fortunate enough to work with this summer with the Maine Writing Project. For three weeks (four counting our virtual week), we talked and laughed and brainstormed and just generally had fun, all while becoming better teachers. The energy I felt from and with all of the Fellows was so motivating, and I'm missing that motivation as I prepare for students. I definitely still have some left from those weeks, but wish that I found the same kind of motivation and inspiration at my school.

2. While missing my MWP friends, my other friends are slowly leaving for school. Michelle, Tony, Coty, and Sarah have already left. Madi leaves next week. Aimee is home this year, which is definitely grrrrrreat. BUT, between her work/rehearsal schedule and my school schedule I don't know how often we'll get together.

And so ... empty. Not altogether lost, but a little empty. I just get so attached so quickly ... and that attachment often isn't reciprocated. The combination makes for some heartache for me, but I don't think I would change it. When I'm in the moment with people, it's totally worth it.

Lasting Effects

This morning, while I was walking the dog, I got to thinking about all of the people who have been in my life. All of the family, friends, teachers, EVERYONE. For me, people are HUGE. I know I wouldn't be the person I am without every single person who has ever been a part of my life. The thing I wondered, and wonder, about is whether it's the same for everyone.

When I think about my life 10 years ago (that would be 15, going into sophomore year) I can remember Tina and Joe. They were people who lived in my neighborhood, and who were very important in my life at that time. Joe was my best friend, and Tina - his mom - was like another Mom to me. We've lost touch. I haven't seen or heard from either of them in about 8 years. But, they are still important to me. I have fond memories of them both and learned a lot about myself from each of them.

5 years ago I would have been in college. I would be going into a second semester at UMF after a transfer from UVM. Marty, Kate, Dith, and Rachael are just a FEW of the VTers who were (or are) important to me. Kerry, Erin, Jordan, Hannah .... my UMF crew. I do still keep in touch with a few of these people, but not all. I made a choice to cut certain people out of my life but that doesn't mean they haven't gotten me to where I am.

2 years ago I was just starting at China Middle School ... I can't even begin to tell you how many people - staff and students - changed my life there.

The point I'm going for is this ... I still think about these people all of the time, and I sometimes wonder whether or not I'm thought of. Have I had an impact on people? Do they think back on their lives so far and remember a time we spent together or some thing I did for or said to them? I do, but is it because I'm so emotional and sentimental or is it something everyone does?