i want to be mad at you.
want to scream at you
punch you
hold it against you.
i want to loath you.
need to remind myself why
you
suck.
i want to say mean things to you.
to mean it when i call you a jerk,
an ass,
a typical, self-absorbed, emotionally stunted boy.
i want to make you feel bad.
feel rejected
dejected
neglected
(even in your dreams).
But,
i can't.
two little words -
miss you
make it
impossible. because
i miss you too.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Spring reflections
This time of year - the spring - always manages to make me very reflective about things. I find myself melancholy over endings, excited for beginnings, and just generally very thoughtful about my life. I'm not sure when this started, or why it always seems to happen at the same time each year, but it does. And, let me tell you, being thoughtful makes me tired.
I can't help but think about the things that have happened in the past year. Most people do this at New Year's, but the teacher in me measures years from the end of school to the end of school. So, here I am, enjoying sunshine during April vacation. I'm taking stock of everything I have to be thankful for, but that also means revisiting the things that have hurt. When I finish these kinds of musings, I'm always hopeful, but the process isn't always super fun.
The spring makes me miss my Mom. Her birthday is at the end of April, and then mother's day comes, so ... I mean, that's hard. Most of the time, I'm fine. Most of the time, I miss her, and I don't notice because that's a constant thing for me. But, on special days, I notice because I miss her just a little more. And, it scares me, sometimes, that I can't remember how her voice sounded or what her hugs were like. It never occurred to me, when she was sick, that there would "lasts". A last smile or laugh or hug or kiss. You just don't think about those things, you know? And then, when you try to remember, you can't.
And then, in spring, there are endings. The end of another school year, which brings about goodbyes. This year has been tough professionally and personally, but no matter how tough a class of kids are, they're mine by June and it's tough to let them go. People move on, that's what we do, but it never makes it easier to say goodbye to people who are important. I hope to be able to stay in contact with the people in whom I invest my time and energy, but sometimes life gets in the way and that doesn't work out.
So, all of this could potentially make me sound depressed. I'm not. I promise. A little blue? Yes, I am. But, as with all things, this shall pass. It always does. I can get lost inside my own thoughts, sometimes, and forget about all of the things going on around me and how fantastic those are. I think it's important to stop and take stock of life, and I guess that's what I'm doing. I'm pausing, looking at myself and my life, and deciding what things need to be sent away after spring cleaning. The "baggage" that accumulates in a year needs to be sifted through - most of it isn't worth the storage space. Some if it is, if only to wait and see what comes from it.
I can't help but think about the things that have happened in the past year. Most people do this at New Year's, but the teacher in me measures years from the end of school to the end of school. So, here I am, enjoying sunshine during April vacation. I'm taking stock of everything I have to be thankful for, but that also means revisiting the things that have hurt. When I finish these kinds of musings, I'm always hopeful, but the process isn't always super fun.
The spring makes me miss my Mom. Her birthday is at the end of April, and then mother's day comes, so ... I mean, that's hard. Most of the time, I'm fine. Most of the time, I miss her, and I don't notice because that's a constant thing for me. But, on special days, I notice because I miss her just a little more. And, it scares me, sometimes, that I can't remember how her voice sounded or what her hugs were like. It never occurred to me, when she was sick, that there would "lasts". A last smile or laugh or hug or kiss. You just don't think about those things, you know? And then, when you try to remember, you can't.
And then, in spring, there are endings. The end of another school year, which brings about goodbyes. This year has been tough professionally and personally, but no matter how tough a class of kids are, they're mine by June and it's tough to let them go. People move on, that's what we do, but it never makes it easier to say goodbye to people who are important. I hope to be able to stay in contact with the people in whom I invest my time and energy, but sometimes life gets in the way and that doesn't work out.
So, all of this could potentially make me sound depressed. I'm not. I promise. A little blue? Yes, I am. But, as with all things, this shall pass. It always does. I can get lost inside my own thoughts, sometimes, and forget about all of the things going on around me and how fantastic those are. I think it's important to stop and take stock of life, and I guess that's what I'm doing. I'm pausing, looking at myself and my life, and deciding what things need to be sent away after spring cleaning. The "baggage" that accumulates in a year needs to be sifted through - most of it isn't worth the storage space. Some if it is, if only to wait and see what comes from it.
Revisiting journals
I was revisiting some old journals I had written, and came across this one. It's till particularly relevant despite a whole year having gone by.
I need to find some balance. Not the kind where I don't fall over standing up, although that would be nice as well. I need the kind of balance where I can handle all of the things in my life without feeling as though something is going to give at any moment. That's where I am - waiting for something to fall.
I am a busy, busy girl. I wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes all I want is to curl up in my bed with a good book or movie and some ice cream (or cake). There's never time for that, though. Or, if I find a few spare moments for it, I feel guilty using them for that purpose. When I sit and just relax, I find myself thinking about the laundry I could do, the chores Nana needs done, the grading or planning I could get ahead on for school. It's a never ending list, and I don't even have kids, yet. And I do want them someday.
I think part of my problem with feeling so much pressure all of the time is that I overbook myself and I also put too much energy into EVERYTHING, which inevitably means somethings fall to the side. Usually it's my mental health and well-being that get left behind - like right now.
No matter how many times I go through this little cycle (overbooked, underbooked, overbooked), I never learn. I still commit myself to too many things. I try to do it all, and do it all really well. I'm learning to balance my life more. I've learned to say no when I'm doubting whether or not I actually have time. I've learned to make priorities even when everything seems like one. But, I still do too much. Vacation is almost over, and I'm not sure what I've done, but I know that not one day has been spent on the couch with a book or my journal. Errands call, friends must be met, and the house needs to be ready for the impending family Easter. It's exhausting in a lot of ways, but I also can't imagine being any other way.
I need to find some balance. Not the kind where I don't fall over standing up, although that would be nice as well. I need the kind of balance where I can handle all of the things in my life without feeling as though something is going to give at any moment. That's where I am - waiting for something to fall.
I am a busy, busy girl. I wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes all I want is to curl up in my bed with a good book or movie and some ice cream (or cake). There's never time for that, though. Or, if I find a few spare moments for it, I feel guilty using them for that purpose. When I sit and just relax, I find myself thinking about the laundry I could do, the chores Nana needs done, the grading or planning I could get ahead on for school. It's a never ending list, and I don't even have kids, yet. And I do want them someday.
I think part of my problem with feeling so much pressure all of the time is that I overbook myself and I also put too much energy into EVERYTHING, which inevitably means somethings fall to the side. Usually it's my mental health and well-being that get left behind - like right now.
No matter how many times I go through this little cycle (overbooked, underbooked, overbooked), I never learn. I still commit myself to too many things. I try to do it all, and do it all really well. I'm learning to balance my life more. I've learned to say no when I'm doubting whether or not I actually have time. I've learned to make priorities even when everything seems like one. But, I still do too much. Vacation is almost over, and I'm not sure what I've done, but I know that not one day has been spent on the couch with a book or my journal. Errands call, friends must be met, and the house needs to be ready for the impending family Easter. It's exhausting in a lot of ways, but I also can't imagine being any other way.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Bucket List
I went to lunch today with a student I had my very first year of teaching and her Mom. I love, love, love this young lady. She's so much like me, only more brave, more out there, more creative, more. More in general. She loves the things I love, and I just can't help but smile when I spend time with her and her mother. Anyway, we started talking about something and the term bucket list came up. It's the second time this week I've heard the term, and it got me thinking. What things would make my bucket list? So, I made a mental list, but a few items in I realized I was thinking too small - as in buying a home and getting married/having kids small. I've tried to push all of that out of my mind, and I'm actually starting myself a bucket list. Here it is ...
1. Travel the world. Specifically - Italy, Greece, France, England, Ireland, Scotland, Australia
2. Sing inside Westminster Abbey
3. Visit the Holocaust Museum in Washington DC and/or historical Holocaust sites in Europe
4. Live for a year in a big city (New York, San Fransisco, London, Seattle)
5. Meet Chris Crutcher
6. Get published
7. Learn to play an instrument - probably piano
8. Own a piece of the yellow brick road
It's hard to come up with these things, but pretty fun to imagine them. I'm going to have to revisit this list. I'm liking it!
1. Travel the world. Specifically - Italy, Greece, France, England, Ireland, Scotland, Australia
2. Sing inside Westminster Abbey
3. Visit the Holocaust Museum in Washington DC and/or historical Holocaust sites in Europe
4. Live for a year in a big city (New York, San Fransisco, London, Seattle)
5. Meet Chris Crutcher
6. Get published
7. Learn to play an instrument - probably piano
8. Own a piece of the yellow brick road
It's hard to come up with these things, but pretty fun to imagine them. I'm going to have to revisit this list. I'm liking it!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Romeo and Juliet saved my day
I'm sitting in my last period class right now - of freshman. We finished reading Act I of Romeo and Juliet this week, and it's been painful so far. I'm going on something like my 18th reading of this play. It's not Shakespeare's best work, and I can recite parts of it word-for-word. But, today, we started working on choice assignments for Act I; here they are:
Anyway, I was nervous. I'd convinced myself that this would be as painful as reading the play again. But, they surprised me so pleasantly, I can't believe it. They worked in pairs SO well, and so many of them had actual FUN with the assignment. I haven't gotten to see them yet, so I don't know what the quality will be, but I do know that they laughed and translated and DID THEIR WORK! It's been such a tough year with this group, so when I get days like today when they're respectful, on task, productive, and LEARNING I feel the need to document it. I know in a week or two, I'll need the reminder that it isn't bad all of the time.
Anyway, I was nervous. I'd convinced myself that this would be as painful as reading the play again. But, they surprised me so pleasantly, I can't believe it. They worked in pairs SO well, and so many of them had actual FUN with the assignment. I haven't gotten to see them yet, so I don't know what the quality will be, but I do know that they laughed and translated and DID THEIR WORK! It's been such a tough year with this group, so when I get days like today when they're respectful, on task, productive, and LEARNING I feel the need to document it. I know in a week or two, I'll need the reminder that it isn't bad all of the time.
From a News Story
I used the above story with my creative writing class in an activity on point of view. The story below is what I got from it:
TJ Jones goes to Hogwarts
I wrote this entry with my creative writing class. We were working on using what we know about characters to see how they would react in a situation. Each of us chose a favorite character - one that we know well - and I gave them a situation. They were:
1. If your character is in a realistic book, what would happen if they found themselves at Hogwarts?
2. If your character is from a fantasy book, what would a day at our school be like for them. Here's what I came up with:
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